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Friday, February 19, 2010

Proposed Olympic Modifications

I propose the following new rules in all Olympic sports (but I'm pretty much looking at you, snowboarding):

1. You should not be allowed to text in the 5 minutes prior to competition.  It's great that the Olympics are just so freaking easy for you that you don't have to spend those last minutes focusing or mentally running through your routine, but at least pretend that you care more about being there than making sure that your buddy is ROTFLOL.

2. Two tries?  Really??  Either make both scores count or only give them one run.  No Olympic medal should go to someone who can't necessarily put 2 good runs together.  Gymnasts used to be able to do two different vaults and then take the higher score, meaning one gymnast could potentially bomb on one and still win gold.  When someone finally realized how dumb that was, they changed it so both counted and you used the average.  They later changed it so that gymnasts only did one and that was it, end of story.  Now the only time they do two is in event finals and, again, both scores count.  Which is fair.  For his second run, that Tomato could have just skated down the center of the pipe with his wang out and still won gold, which isn't anything we need to encourage.

3. No Olympic medal should be won while wearing jeans.  How Jersey can you get?  Good God this bothers me.  It borders on disrespectful. Besides how ugly and casual it looks, wouldn't it be more efficient to wear outfits like speed skaters?  Don't those stupid baggy jeans that the Sloppy Tomato wears catch the wind and slow him down?  In twenty years snowboarders are going to look back and say, "I can't believe we wore jeans to the Olympics!  It hindered our performances so much!  How tacky are we?"  Just go ahead and make the change now and stop offending me.

And yes, I'm aware that there is another event where people are not wearing jeans but instead silly costumes, but still, I'm way more ok with this:

than this:

because at least someone got dressed up for the Olympics. 

On a related note, I propose that my boss can no longer follow the Olympics online and announce the winners all day long before I've had a chance to watch in prime time.



  1. Personally, I L-O-V-E the jeans. What would you have them wear, the Norweigan curler's MC Hammer pants? The jeans say that we are hip, cool and ready to change someone's oil at anytime.

    Lastly, and most importantly, I have not seen Johnny Weir! I stay up and pray for him and, yet, nothing. I need me some JW!